Juno Quote
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Mac: And this, of course, is Juno.
Mark: Like the city in Alaska.
Juno: No.
Mark: No? [pause] Shall we sit down and get to know one another?
Vanessa: Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water or Orange Juice or…
Juno: I’ll have a Maker’s Mark. Up.
Mac: She’s kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.
Juno Quote
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Leah: All right, how about this one? “Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love.”
Juno: Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They’re just like greedy little bitches!
Juno Quote
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Rollo: Well fertile Myrtle, what’s the prognosis? Minus or plus?
Juno: [taking a pregnancy test] I don’t know. It’s not seasoned yet. [grabs some candy] I’ll take some of these. Nope… There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
Rollo: [as Juno shakes the test like a thermometer] That ain’t no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be un-did, homeskillet.
Juno Quote
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Juno: I could like, have this baby and give it to someone who like totally needs it.
Leah: You should look in the PennySaver.
Juno: They have ads for parents?
Leah: Yeah! ‘”Desperately Seeking Spawn.”
Juno Quote
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Punk Receptionist: Free condom? They’re boysenberry.
Juno: No, thanks. I’m off sex right now.
Punk Receptionist: My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.
Juno Quote
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Juno: So guess what.
Paulie: [hesitant] What?
Juno: I’m pregnant.
Juno Quote
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Juno: Wow your shorts are like, especially gold today.
Paulie: My mom uses color-safe bleach.
Juno: Go Carol.
Paulie: I’ll tell her.
Juno Quote
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Mac: Did you see that coming?
Bren: Yeah… but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac: Yeah, that was my first instinct too…
Juno Quote
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Mac: So, Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
Juno: Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved an entire living room set from one lawn to another, or the one where I drank a 64-ounce blue Slushee in ten minutes?
Bren: Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn? Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door that I got up in Stillwater? I found some blue shit… [looks at Liberty Bell] Gunk. Stuff. In my urn.
Juno: I would never barf in your urn, Bren. Maybe LB did it.
Juno Quote
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Leah: Dude, I think it’s best to just tell ‘em.
Juno: I’m pregnant.
Bren: Oh, God.
Juno: But, uh ah, I’m going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they’re going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in… what, ah… thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac: You’re pregnant?
Juno: I’m sorry. I’m sorry… And if it is any consolation, I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven’t taken a dump since Wednesday… morning!
Bren: I didn’t even know that you were sexually active.
Juno: I, uh…
Mac: Who is the kid?
Juno: The-the baby? I don’t really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren: Nails, really?
Juno: Yeah!
Mac: No, I know I mean who’s the father, Juno?
Juno: Umm… It’s Paulie Bleeker.
Mac: [snorts incredulously] Paulie Bleeker?
Juno: What?
Mac: I didn’t think he had it in him!
Leah: I know, right?
Juno Quote
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Su-Chin: I’m having a little trouble concentrating.
Juno: Oh, well, I could sell you some of my Aderall, if you want.
Su-Chin: No, thanks, I’m off pills.
Juno: That’s a wise choice, because I knew this girl who, like, had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, “Blagh! I am a Kraken from the sea!”
Su-Chin: I heard that was you.
Juno: [after an awkward pause] So, it was good seeing you, Su-Chin.
Juno Quote
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Juno: I’m pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog? Maybe it’s a food baby, did you have a big lunch?
Juno: This is not a food baby, all right? I’ve taken like three pregnancy tests, and I’m forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That’s amazing!
Juno: I don’t know, I drank like ten tons of Sunny D! I’m telling you I’m pregnant and you’re acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like for real, for real?
Juno: Yes.
Leah: Oh, my GOD! Oh, SHIT! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno: That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
Juno Quote
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Leah: Yo yo yiggity yo.
Juno: I’m a suicide risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno: No, it’s Morgan Freeman. Got any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants, haha.
Juno Quote
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Juno: So have you and Vanessa thought of a name for the baby yet?
Mark: Well, sort of. Vanessa likes Madison for a girl.
Juno: [aghast] Madison? Isn’t that kind of… I don’t know, gay?
Juno Quote
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Juno: Well, I’m sorry I had sex with you. I know it wasn’t your idea.
Paulie: Whose idea was it?
Juno: I’ll see you at school, okay? [mounts her bicycle and rides off]
Paulie: [to no one in particular] Whose idea was it?